I've been back at work almost two weeks now. And I'm not going to lie. It sucks.
I feel a bit overwhelmed. The dishes are stacking up at home. Laundry is piled everywhere, both clean stuff to be folded and dirty stuff that needs to be washed. There's boxes all over from stuff we order to save the hassle of going to the store. The poor cats are super neglected and race around like wild beasts in the evenings from the lack of attention. But that isn't the stuff that bothers me.
I'm instead bothered by the fact that by the time I get my sweet boy home in the evening, we get maybe a half hour of quality time before he's cranky and fussy and needs to go to bed. He doesn't nap well at my parents right now, so bedtime is coming earlier and earlier each day. I miss my little boy.
I hate the things I'm missing out on during the day - his smiles, his coos, watching him play on his playmat or do tummy time on the floor. Now I know parenthood isn't all sunshine and roses all the time - but it just feels like I get the short end of the stick now. I don't get the fun time anymore. Yesterday I wondered if he'd ever smile at me again.
And then I got this from him this morning:
I needed that smile more than I can say. It just warmed and uplifted my heart and reminded me that no matter what happens I'm still his mama and he knows that and he does love me. There is still possibility for some things to work out with work that might allow me a hair more time with him and I just have to be patient and wait to see how things play out. And I have to remind myself too - I work so that we can take care of him, so we can have health insurance for him and other important things of that nature. I just wish there was a better way.
So that is why my heart is heavy and hurts a little bit. I'm sure with time it will get easier. But no matter what, my heart will be here first always.
