It was a year ago this week that we found out we were pregnant. And I was so caught off guard even though we'd pretty much been "not trying, but not not trying" for an entire year at that point. I knew it was always a possibility and in fact, that was kind of the idea, we did eventually want to have a baby. I was even thinking that being that it had been over a year, if things didn't happen by sometime last summer that we'd start stepping up our efforts. But I was still totally shaken when it finally happened. I'm not proud of what happened when the stick turned pink. I had a nervous breakdown. I was not like those moms you see on TV who jump up and down and scream and get all excited. It was just such a HUGE change to take on and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I settled into a bit of a depression for a good couple of weeks for sure. Bless the Pants Monkey - he was so amazing, he got me through it and I don't know what I would have done without him. I think it was also hard during those first couple of weeks because we didn't want to tell anyone until we knew exactly how far along we were and the doctor wouldn't even see me until the first week of May. So, we were sitting on this secret and it was huge and it was hard for me - I didn't even tell my mom and I tell her EVERYTHING. Thankfully, I never had any awful physical symptoms that many woman experience in early pregnancy. No sickness. Some tiredness sure, but that was about it. But emotionally I was just a wreck.
Now obviously I did finally turn a corner. Pretty much the first time we had a sonogram I felt my heart swell and I started to fall in love with this little bean. I came out of my fog and started embracing where my life was going. And then when we were finally able to share our news with people that helped a ton too - everyone was supportive and excited and it only helped fuel my excitement as well. And then at the end of May we had a scare - the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat at our routine checkup and sent us to get an urgent ultrasound, but we had to go to a different clinic and then had to wait about 15 minutes after we got there. That was the longest hour of my life, I realized I wanted this little baby so much and it would have killed me to have lost it. And of course as soon as the tech put the wand on my belly, he was right there, no problems at all. From there on out I knew I was truly a mom - I would do anything to protect this little life and I fell in love pretty hard.
I share this story only because I want other woman to know that it's ok to not be over the moon with excitement when you're expecting - even when you're planning it. I hope that you can find comfort in the fact that it did get better for me! I won't say it's been all sunshine and roses since then - I had a dream pregnancy aside from the GD - but I did have GD which wasn't fun. Parenthood is amazing - but it also has many, many challenges too. No matter what though - I wouldn't change a thing about my life at all. This is who I was meant to be. I was meant to be Oliver's Mom - and I love everything about it!
That's very brave of you to share your story! I remember when we met for coffee on Wednesday. At first I thought - hmm...we normally do wine Wednesdays. Then all you said is I have to tell you something and I knew you were pregnant! You are such an awesome momma! Oliver is lucky to have you!!
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteThanks for your honesty in sharing that story! I think the reaction you had is normal, especially since you were you were a bit caught off guard and it must've been really hard to keep it from your mom at first.
ReplyDelete-Sharon
The Tiny Heart
Thanks for sharing your story, Beth! I think it's important like you said that moms know it's ok to feel a myriad of emotions about becoming a mom! You're a great mom to your little guy! I can't wait to meet him!
ReplyDeleteOh, I was there with you (just a number of months later). This little bean was completely planned (just really lucked out on the first "try"), and I remember thinking as I looked at the stick: "Shouldn't I be jumping?" but it was a busy day, and so I just kept going. Did the test, shoveled the driveway. And once I finally realized "oh shit, it's real" I wouldn't even let Scott talk about it for weeks. WEEKS. Mentioning it make me puke. Even once we announced it, I was still struggling with being happy. Now, I'm through the moon for my little bean, and am counting down the days until I get to meet her face to face. I think it's so great you posted this -- Jessica of MonsterCakes posted a similar post right when I was in the midst of it all, and I remember crying (as I seemed to do a lot of then) but happy tears because suddenly it meant I wasn't a freak of nature. I ended up emailing Jess and she sent me the best email response -- I actually wanted to frame and hang it in the nursery. I re-read that blog post and that email so many times and it helped more than I can express to just know someone out there felt the way I did. I really hope someone else gets the same reassurance from your post!
ReplyDeleteBeth this is such a sweet, honest post! Bringing a human being into the world is a huge deal! It is not something that can be taken lightly, and especially hard when you can't confide in anyone/ask advice on what you are going through those first few weeks. I still think that you are amazing, and have brought an adorable, smart little guy into the world!
ReplyDeleteloved reading your honesty about this. i've never had kids, so i liked reading your experience, and not to feel alone should the same happen to me!
ReplyDeleteBeth I enjoyed reading this and seeing your perspective. I cannot relate since I was over the moon happy but in a quiet way when I found out. But I agree and understand that not everyone can feel that happy right away and it's a huge change and challenge so it's normal. I can relate to the story about not being able to tell anyone for weeks including my own mom and that was so tough.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your candid telling of this. Oliver is lucky to have you. =)