It was a year ago this week that we found out we were pregnant. And I was so caught off guard even though we'd pretty much been "not trying, but not not trying" for an entire year at that point. I knew it was always a possibility and in fact, that was kind of the idea, we did eventually want to have a baby. I was even thinking that being that it had been over a year, if things didn't happen by sometime last summer that we'd start stepping up our efforts. But I was still totally shaken when it finally happened. I'm not proud of what happened when the stick turned pink. I had a nervous breakdown. I was not like those moms you see on TV who jump up and down and scream and get all excited. It was just such a HUGE change to take on and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I settled into a bit of a depression for a good couple of weeks for sure. Bless the Pants Monkey - he was so amazing, he got me through it and I don't know what I would have done without him. I think it was also hard during those first couple of weeks because we didn't want to tell anyone until we knew exactly how far along we were and the doctor wouldn't even see me until the first week of May. So, we were sitting on this secret and it was huge and it was hard for me - I didn't even tell my mom and I tell her EVERYTHING. Thankfully, I never had any awful physical symptoms that many woman experience in early pregnancy. No sickness. Some tiredness sure, but that was about it. But emotionally I was just a wreck.
Now obviously I did finally turn a corner. Pretty much the first time we had a sonogram I felt my heart swell and I started to fall in love with this little bean. I came out of my fog and started embracing where my life was going. And then when we were finally able to share our news with people that helped a ton too - everyone was supportive and excited and it only helped fuel my excitement as well. And then at the end of May we had a scare - the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat at our routine checkup and sent us to get an urgent ultrasound, but we had to go to a different clinic and then had to wait about 15 minutes after we got there. That was the longest hour of my life, I realized I wanted this little baby so much and it would have killed me to have lost it. And of course as soon as the tech put the wand on my belly, he was right there, no problems at all. From there on out I knew I was truly a mom - I would do anything to protect this little life and I fell in love pretty hard.
I share this story only because I want other woman to know that it's ok to not be over the moon with excitement when you're expecting - even when you're planning it. I hope that you can find comfort in the fact that it did get better for me! I won't say it's been all sunshine and roses since then - I had a dream pregnancy aside from the GD - but I did have GD which wasn't fun. Parenthood is amazing - but it also has many, many challenges too. No matter what though - I wouldn't change a thing about my life at all. This is who I was meant to be. I was meant to be Oliver's Mom - and I love everything about it!
